A Textbook for Couples to Strengthen Their Bond: Improving Your Sex Life 2 – Resolving Intimacy Issues –
“Lately, my partner and I have stopped being intimate altogether...”
“I’m so afraid of being rejected that I haven't been able to initiate anything for years.”
Many people struggle with these kinds of worries. Sexless relationships are a perfectly natural phenomenon that can occur at any time during life’s transitions—whether due to the busyness of work, changes in living rhythms from cohabitation or marriage, childbirth and child-rearing, or even hormonal changes associated with aging.
However, if one partner leaves these feelings of "unfulfillment" and loneliness unaddressed, it can widen the emotional divide and potentially lead to irreparable rifts, such as infidelity or divorce.
In this article, we will clarify the definition and current reality of sexless relationships, as well as the fundamental differences in causes between men and women. We will also provide detailed explanations of concrete approaches to regain your bond and how to incorporate new excitement to break out of a rut.
1. The Definition and Reality of Sexless Relationships
The Academic Definition of "Sexless"
There is a clear standard for the commonly used term "sexless" established by academic societies. The Japanese Society for Sexology defines it as follows:
“A state in which there is no consensual sexual activity for over a month despite the absence of any special reason, and where this state is expected to continue for a long period.”
"Special reasons" here refer to conditions where sexual activity is physically impossible, such as recovering from an injury or illness, long-term business trips or living apart, or the immediate postpartum period. In other words, if physical intimacy or sexual activity has ceased for more than a month even though it is physically possible, it meets the definition of being sexless.
Sexlessness in Japan Through Data
Many people who experience sexlessness suffer in silence, thinking, "Are we the only ones with this problem?" but in modern Japan, it is an extremely common social phenomenon.
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One in two couples are in a sexless state
According to the "Japan Sex Survey 2020" conducted by the Japanese Family Planning Association (JFPA), approximately 52% of men and women aged 20 to 49 responded that they were in a sexless relationship. This is an upward trend compared to the approximately 41% reported in the 2010 survey, indicating that the trend toward sexlessness is accelerating across Japan.
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About half of those who fall into it stay that way for a long time
In a survey conducted by Hamamatsu Dai-ichi Clinic (2023, targeting 3,000 cohabiting men and women aged 20–49), approximately half, or 1,482 people, answered that they had "experienced being sexless." Furthermore, about 50% of them responded that they "have not yet resolved it."
These surveys show that while "becoming sexless is by no means rare, it is extremely difficult to resolve if left to its own devices." The longer you leave it, the more normalized it becomes, making it harder to improve the relationship. There is no time like the present! Take action now!!
2. Primary Causes of Sexlessness Differ Between Men and Women
According to surveys targeting cohabiting couples, the biggest common cause for both men and women is "exhaustion from childcare, housework, or work." Being caught up in daily tasks leads to a loss of both mental and physical bandwidth. However, when you look at the secondary reasons, you can see a clear psychological gap between men and women.Main Factors for Men: Rejection by Partner
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Rejection by Partner: Being told "I'm tired" or "I have an early morning tomorrow" when initiating sex, and subsequently falling into a sexless state, accounts for the highest percentage of cases.
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Not Being Wanted by the Partner: While not seen in men in their 20s, this ranked high among men in their 30s and 40s. This is considered to be because women's sex drive tends to gradually decrease during this age range.
Main Factors for Women: Lowered Sex Drive
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Decrease in Sex Drive Itself: The most common reason cited by women of all generations was "I just don't feel the desire." This is thought to be caused by a lack of mental and physical bandwidth due to housework, child-rearing, and work.
3. How to Resolve Sexlessness
If you hesitate, thinking, "We haven't been intimate in years, it's embarrassing to suggest it now," the psychological wall will only grow higher. It is important to take measures the moment you feel the relationship becoming sexless. To improve the relationship, it is essential to summon the courage to take that first small step.-
Step 1: Don't jump to conclusions—verbalize your honest feelings
The thing to avoid most during discussions is making assumptions like, "You don't see me as a woman anymore, do you?" or "Are you having an affair?" Your partner may have other reasons they haven't shared, such as work pressure or poor health.
What is important is not to interrogate your partner, but to calmly share the facts and your subjective feelings (I-messages), such as "We haven't been intimate in three months" or "I feel lonely when we don't have physical contact." Start the conversation with questions that are easy for the partner to answer with a yes or no.
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Step 2: Create "two-person space" not predicated on sex
If the root cause of the lack of intimacy is exhaustion or work, first create "time for just the two of you." This can create space for both of you, potentially acting as a trigger to rediscover your sex drive or see each other as romantic partners again.
For example…・Use delivery or eat out on weekends to take a break from housework
・Find childcare for the children once or twice a month and go out as a couple
These types of measures are highly recommended.
Only when you have physical breathing room will your mind start to focus on sexual desires. At this stage, there is no need to aim for sex right away. Start by gradually closing the distance through everyday physical affection, such as drinking while watching a movie, lounging together, holding hands, or giving light massages.
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For Men: ED (erectile dysfunction), mid-intercourse loss of erection, ejaculation disorders, etc. (Urology/Men’s Clinic)
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For Women: Pain during intercourse, vaginal dryness, postpartum pelvic floor muscle weakness, anorgasmia, etc. (Obstetrics and Gynecology)
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Step 4: Breaking the Rut with BDSM!
For couples who feel, "Our relationship is good, but the act itself has become one-pattern and boring," we recommend incorporating BDSM.
Learn more here↓
BDSM Communication with Your Partner: How to Start and Precautions [Beginner's Guide]When you hear "BDSM" or "SM," you might imagine hard, painful, or extreme play, but the essence is "releasing the five senses and sharing trust through extraordinary situations."
Just using a blindfold can block out vision and bring new pleasure, a pleasant sense of tension, and excitement to your usual routine. Trying small, out-of-the-ordinary things with mutual consent can be a major trigger for blowing a fresh breeze into a sex life that has fallen into a rut.
Step 3: Medical Consultation
There are cases where intimacy is difficult due to physical factors rather than emotional ones.
Since these cannot be solved by discussion alone, you should visit a medical institution. Also, sexual activity does not necessarily have to be limited to "penetration." By sharing pleasure and intimacy through methods that are less burdensome for both, such as using love goods or oral sex, you can maintain physical contact and a stable relationship even during the treatment period.
