The Sex Textbook for Updating Couple Bonds 3: Getting to Know Your Partner

When you have been together for a long time, you may feel that you know your partner well. However, you cannot intuit everything, such as how they like to be touched, what their comfortable sense of personal space is, or even how they are feeling that day.

Knowing your partner in a sexual context is not just about learning what they like. It is about listening to what they dislike, what makes them feel safe, and what they do not want to do at that moment.

In this article, let’s think about communication that fosters intimacy while respecting each other's feelings.

1. Let go of the "I already know" assumption

"They liked this before, so they must like it today."
"We’ve been together a long time, so they should understand without me saying anything."

Such assumptions can unintentionally create misunderstandings. Preferences and moods change due to physical condition or life changes. What they liked in the past isn't necessarily what they like now.

What matters is not judging based solely on past experiences, but focusing your interest on your partner as they are today.

"How would you like to spend your time today?"
"Are you in the mood for physical closeness, or would you rather rest?"

Small questions like these are an important step toward truly knowing your partner.

2. Learn what makes them feel "safe" before asking what they like

Before asking about preferences, try talking about what makes them feel secure.

For example, you might discuss things like: "I’d rather you check with me before touching me suddenly," "On days when I'm tired, just cuddling is enough," or "Please don't get upset if I say no."

The important thing here is not to try to persuade or change their answer. An attitude of "I see, thank you for telling me" is what leads to the next conversation.

Because it is a relationship where it is okay to refuse or stop midway, it also becomes easier to express what you "would like to try."

3. Ask questions that are easy to answer

If you are suddenly asked "What do you like?", you might find it difficult to put your preferences into words. In such cases, specific questions that don't force a definite answer are recommended.

"When do you feel most cherished?"
"Is there anything you’d like to do more of when we spend time together?"
"Is there anything about how we’re touching right now that you like, or that you'd like me to change?"

It’s okay if there isn't an immediate answer. "I'm not sure yet" or "I don't want to talk about it right now" are also important answers.

Also, don't just ask your partner; share your own feelings by saying, "I feel safe when you do this for me." This turns a one-sided inquiry into a conversation that helps you both understand each other.

4. Don't judge feelings solely by physical reactions

It is important to pay attention to your partner's expressions and physical reactions. However, avoid assuming that these alone mean they are "enjoying it" or that it is "okay to continue." A physical reaction does not always align with what the person actually desires.

"Is it okay if I keep going like this?"
"Shall we take a short break?"

Checking in with a few brief words is a sign of consideration. Do not interpret silence or a lack of resistance as consent; if their response is ambiguous or they seem confused, stop for a moment and check in with them.

Even if they consented before, they may not want to do it today. It is perfectly okay to change your mind after starting.

5. Differences are not "proof of incompatibility"

Even if your preferences regarding frequency or how you spend your time differ, there is no need to let that define the depth of your love or your compatibility.

The important thing is not for one person to keep suppressing their own needs to accommodate the other, but to find a way that both of you can choose without feeling burdened.

"Today, I’d like to just cuddle rather than have sex."
"I want to set aside some quiet time for us this weekend."

Proposals like these are also choices that nurture intimacy. Instead of making sex the only goal, try thinking about how to spend time that is comfortable for both of you.

6. New experiences start with "Do we both want this?"

When you are interested in trying something different or using new items, it is important to discuss it before actually doing so.

"I'm a little curious about this, what do you think?"
"If you aren't interested, we don't have to try it."

Along with the suggestion, make it clear that it is okay to say no. Having an interest, wanting to try something, and being okay with doing it today are all different things.

Especially with things that restrict sight or movement, like blindfolds or restraints, you must never use them as a surprise. You need to agree in advance on the scope, a signal to stop, and how to safely remove them. The value of your relationship remains unchanged even if you don't try new things.

7. Take time to understand each other after being intimate

Conversations to understand your partner are not limited to before or during intimacy. It is also recommended to briefly share how you felt after things have settled down.

"I was happy we could spend that time slowly."
"Next time, I’d feel more secure if you checked in with me a bit more."

Rather than turning it into a performance review or a critique, share what went well and what you would like to cherish next time. If it is difficult to talk, it is perfectly fine to share it on another day.

Summary: Knowing your partner is a never-ending process

Knowing your partner is not something you finish once you've heard the answers. It is about paying attention to changes in their feelings and preferences each and every time.

What is important is the attitude of "I want to know who you are now" rather than "I should already know." And it is about fostering a relationship where both of you can feel safe saying "I like this," "I don't like this," or "I don't want to do this today."

Why not start by asking, "When do you feel most cherished?" when you are both relaxed? That conversation might just be the spark that updates your bond.